i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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