i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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