I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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