a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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