My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
