I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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