When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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