i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
