Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
