I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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