the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
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