All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
