Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
