I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
