i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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