the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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