If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
