Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
