I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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