woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
