Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
