I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
