WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize
