when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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