dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
