I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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