Only a mothe r could love this liver
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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