I haven't been this sober since birth.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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