Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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