Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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