Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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