The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
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I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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