Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
