Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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