I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
