every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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