I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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