Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
