Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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