If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.