Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
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He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.