my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.