who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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