if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
