god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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