Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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