Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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