Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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