Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So. Much. Porn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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