is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
