i think i scared a bird with my dick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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