I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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