i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
