I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
