sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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