There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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