i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
