why didn't you poke me back
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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