i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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