She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
