Even water is tasting like jack daniels
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
