My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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