im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
