I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
