You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
