If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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