his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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